Raising Mom – A Letter to Mija

Growing Up With My Daughter

I always say I have been greatly blessed in my life.  Not that I haven’t had my share of hard times, disappointments, tragedies.  But at the end of the day those hard times gave me strength to endure, the disappointments gave me a determination to move forward and find success, and the tragedies gave me an infinite appreciation of the beauty in each day.

In some ways, my daughter Kat and I grew up together.  I was not young by traditional standards when she was born, but raising my daughter taught me many of life’s most valuable lessons.  Kat’s father died when she was only three months old, so for some time it was just the two of us…juggling work, daycare, ear infections, teething, budgets, and bills.  Those struggles gave me an understanding of how difficult it is to be a single parent, and an appreciation  for the value of a two-parent household.  They were also the start of my journey into real adulthood…adulthood not at all related to age; but to patience, understanding, sacrifice, protection, and fierce love.

Compromise and Patience

She was a precocious child, always singing and dancing and questioning.  Everyone was a friend in her world, and no questions/comments were off limits. There was simply no way to resist her sweet smile, and no getting around a topic if she wanted to know something.

Kat was a force to be reckoned with as she grew up (she still is actually).  Extremely independent, she wanted control over her world at a very young age. We learned the value of compromise together when she decided she was going to pick her own outfit each day.  I quit buying clothes for her unless she was with me, and we carefully navigated that phase.

Even meal times became an exercise in patience for me.  My philosophy on most things was to give the kids (my youngest came along 3 ½ years later) some ownership in their lives by giving them a list of choices (all of which were acceptable to me first, such as “milk, water, or juice?”).  If they chose something not on the list, I dropped one and narrowed the selection.  It was not uncommon for Kat to have just one option left on the table by the end of negotiations.

Planning and Finding Purpose

As she grew up Kat wanted to try everything (dance, gymnastics, acting), to play sports year-round (softball, volleyball, soccer), to go to every event and gathering. She was always moving and hated going to bed at night…afraid she would miss something.  Time management and scheduling became critical skills I had to learn (no slow Southern pace allowed!). And watching the two kids playing together, the older always protecting the younger (unless she was the one doing the picking) filled my heart with such unimaginable joy and a determination, as faulty as it was, to shelter them from the hurts of this world. My purpose in life became growing them into happy adults who were kind and respectful and loving, but also passionate and bold in their pursuit of their dreams.

Resilience and Letting Go

When she got older, after a number of problems and missteps, she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  And so began our next journey together…years of trying to find the right balance for her…counseling and drugs (many different combinations of drugs, each with their own array of complications); drugs with no counseling; counseling with no drugs.  The moments of rage, of overwhelming depression, of inability to sleep because of the overstimulation, were so difficult to watch her go through.  This was the time I had to learn I couldn’t fix everything…I just had to listen, to support, to sometimes “talk her off the ledge” and to sometimes back off and give her space…and let her grow in her understanding of how to cope and live and be successful and happy.  Lessons we are both still working on.

The Adulting of Kat

Now, all these years later, that sweet child who became this amazing woman right before my eyes, is leaving for grad school.  As we pack up her belongings and load the moving truck, I can’t help but think of those many lessons she taught me throughout her life and of how proud I am of the person she has become, and look forward to the one she will still grow into.  She will become a brilliant artist, and the favorite teacher to all of her students.  After all, she has had years of teaching experience already!

And so, to my sweet daughter, here are the things I hope you always remember, no matter where this life takes you:

• You are beautiful!
• Call your mom!
• Don’t be distracted and drive safely…precious cargo, you know.
• It doesn’t matter if you take a different path than everyone else to get there, it just matters that you get there.
• Don’t let bad things from your past define who you become.
• Don’t become so busy with the end goal that you forget to appreciate the journey.
• You always think better when you take a moment to feel the sunshine and smell the flowers.
• Always say “I love you.”
• Remember to have patience.
• Never stop questioning things.
• Be true to yourself and what you believe in but be open to an understanding of where others are coming from.

  

• Trust yourself.

  

• Love yourself for who you are. Comparisons will steal your joy.
• You don’t have to be perfect. Failing is one of life’s greatest gifts.
• Choose your battles.
• Stop to help someone sometimes…you will both be blessed by it.
• You can change the world!
• Be happy! Be bold! Be passionate!

Love, Mom